Wholeness Healing Center

Connecting with Teens *Sigh*. . .*Eye Roll*. . . “But Why?”

Mom hears her teenage son pull in the driveway after school and instantly feels a pit in her stomach, thinking to herself, “Ugh. What do I even say to him today? He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

She paces across the living room, rolling her eyes and folding her arms. As she hears his footsteps coming up to the front door, she vainly thinks, “And anything I say makes it worse. Why do I even try?”

Teenager walks in the door. Mom smiles and asks, “Hi honey, how was your day?”

“Fine.” Minimal response from teen.

Mom tries to engage conversation again, “What did you do today?”

“Nothing.” Another minimal response and Mom starts to feel frustrated.

“Well, it would be nice to know a little bit about your life; I hardly see you anymore,” she replies with an edge in her tone.

“Whatever.” Teen scoffs, *eye roll* and retreats to his bedroom. Mom feels defeated, frustrated, and concerned. Mom *sighs*, *eye roll*, and continues her evening routine.

Sound familiar? Many parents, teachers, therapists, and other professionals who work with teens are met with this type of resistance on a daily basis. This is normal and expected teenager behavior. So how do we build positive adult connections with teens at this stage in their life when attempts seem pointless? The best connections are built from knowledge of development, understanding of the importance of positive adult influence during the teenage years, and with genuine attempts at connecting with teens on their level.

During the teenage years, the human brain experiences a massive shift. When puberty hits, it is as though a giant, flashing button (the pituitary gland) is pressed, causing total chaos in the brain. This stage is very important as it lays the groundwork for future, mature brain functioning. Some connections in the brain are no longer needed and pruned back, just like trimming a rosebush in the spring. Other connections are enhanced and rewired, allowing for new and more mature growth. As the brain matures, a teenager is able to begin thinking about topics that are more abstract, like identity, justice, morality, and the future. Their decision-making and problem-solving skills improve as they get better at using reasoning and logic. Since all of these skills are under development, a teenager may seem very inconsistent in using them. It’s very common for a teenager to have strong and mature problem-solving or reasoning abilities one day, and completely opposite the next. Because of the chaos of development, brain chemistry rapidly changes, causing changes in sleep, impulsivity, and *eye roll* strong emotional responses. This is all normal and expected.

As these changes occur, teens experience shifts in their moral development. As they process concepts of justice and morality, they try on different opinions. They question “but why“ in order to allow for this growth. Exploring and expressing identity is another huge concept at this stage. As teens figure out who they are as individuals, they may change their mind frequently about things such as what clothes to wear, religion, politics, sexuality, gender identity, gender expression, hairstyle, music preference . . . Again this is all normal and expected as the brain reconstructs.

As teens prepare for life as independent adults, social development takes a turn from reliance on the family to prioritizing social connections with peers and social media. As their brains mature and they process topics like identity and morality, teens often adapt in order to fit in socially. There is a lot of reliance on acceptance from peers *sigh* as they seek belonging and deeper connections with other people their age. It is normal for teens to spend less time with their families, seek privacy, and question rules and opinions set by their families, which can lead to arguments. This is an important part of the brain’s maturing process. These changes don’t mean teens can’t make good decisions and shouldn’t be accountable for misbehavior, but helps us understand and anticipate behavior and guide connection.

With the changes in a teenager’s brain, some adults are intimidated at the idea of building connection, and may wonder, “but why?” Positive connection with caring adults is one of the most important protective factors a teenager can encounter. Positive connections and other protective factors support a teen’s mental health, guide them to regulate emotions, and build in them a sense of trust. This protection serves as a firm foundation for exploring their sense of identity. When teens are able to connect with an adult, they gain influence outside of their peer group. Without adult role models, teens rely solely on input and acceptance from other teens who are also undergoing the same developmental crises. Additionally, building connections decreases conflict with teenagers over time. Because of the highly influenced teenager brain, technology is a major consideration. Today’s teenagers are flooded with information from social media, ranging from what happened in the school cafeteria to foreign relations and politics. A teenager’s brain is not adapted to be able to handle this wealth of information, often containing adult material that previous generations had no exposure to at these sensitive ages. Teens who connect with adults can help deconstruct this information and process it within the limits of their abilities to understand. Kids’ exposure to technology is a whole separate article, so I won’t let myself get sidetracked…

Finally, let’s cut to the chase. How in the heck is a mature adult supposed to figure out how to connect with a teenager? I definitely don’t hold the keys to being able to connect with every teenager I have encountered. But I do have a few basic guidelines. First, questions are not connections. There is no quicker way for a teen to shut down than to be drilled with questions from adults. Teens need genuine connection. Get to know their interests and what pushes their buttons. Attend their activities. Support the person they are, not the person you wish they would become. Conflict and distance happen when adults try to change a teen into a different version of themselves.

The second guideline is let them . . . within limits. This is the basic principle behind authoritative parenting. Gentle parenting is ineffective with teens. Teens need limits from parents; they don’t need parents who are their best friend. Teens also need enough freedom for self-expression, so total authoritarian parenting is not the best fit during this stage either. Because self-expression is such a huge factor during the teenage years, adults either make it or break it when it comes to connecting with teens over topics such as clothing and hairstyle choices, music preference, gender and sexuality issues, politics, and religion. Adults who connect with teens provide support as they navigate their identity and “try on“ different preferences. So let them. Set limits only when necessary. A broken connection with an adult is far more detrimental to brain development than a teen expressing themselves in a way we don’t understand or agree with. Open communication goes a long way. Teens need to know they can trust adults with some of the heaviest topics. Use a blend of firm and consistent discipline with warmth and responsiveness. Supportive adults explain reasoning while allowing for independence. When it comes to discipline, the connection between adult and teen is ruptured. It is essential that the connection is repaired in a timely manner. “Rupture and repair“ is an important part of attachment that is essential throughout the lifespan, not just in the early years.

The third basic guideline is get creative! We know teens love technology, so give it a try. Send funny videos  on TikTok. Play video games together. Have a “YouTube short night“ instead of a “family movie night.“ There are a lot of interactive games played on phones, like Among Us, Jackbox Party Pack, Gartic Phone, and Spaceteam. Start and keep a SnapChat streak with them. FYI, Facebook is for old people. *sigh* Most teens do not have Facebook. The only things a teenager may enjoy more than technology are sleeping and eating. From my experience, teenage boys have a similar eating pattern to pregnant women. Have them send you recipes, and send some back to them. TikTok and YouTube have some great ones. Cook them together in the kitchen, no matter how weird they are. What’s the worst that can happen?

Normalize sleep and downtime within limits. With all the reconstruction going on inside their brains, teenagers really do need a break once in a while. It’s okay for them to isolate in their rooms, as long as they still come out for food. Get to know activities that they are interested in and do them together, if your teen is cool with that. It’s not worth forcing the issue. Get coffee together, have a nail or spa day, go ax throwing. It’s also okay to let them spend time with their friends, within limits. Teenagers do need these connections with peers also.

So, fellow parents, therapists, and professionals working with teens, you are not alone. I’m right there with you. I see your struggles and feel every painful *eye roll* and “whatever” from my own experiences. While this stage of development is difficult for teenagers, it is challenging for parents and professionals as well. We question ourselves and wonder how to make things better. We try, again and again. But here’s the thing; there is no need to be perfect. Our teens see us trying, even though they are wired to resist. There is no need to pressure ourselves into having a picture-perfect relationship with the teens in our lives. Connection with teens, even when it is met with every ounce of *ick,* is better than no attempt at all. When we try to connect, teens feel important and valued in the deepest levels of their brain, even though this emotion is masked by the massive overhaul of brain development happening in other areas. Let’s be gentle with ourselves, our partners and colleagues as we navigate this stage together. It takes a village to raise a child, and when we come together to share our trials and successes, we gain strength. “But why?” you may ask. Because we all remember the important adults, or the lack thereof, from our teenage years. We make a difference, one *sigh* and *eye roll* at a time.

Tags: managing teen relationships, parenting teens