Wholeness Healing Center

The Whole Story of Adoption

When we think about adoption, many of us envision love and new beginnings. While adoption can be a beautiful and life-changing experience, it is also important to recognize that every adoption story includes both loss and hope. Adoption often begins after a separation has occurred, and acknowledging that reality allows us to approach adoption with greater compassion, curiosity, and understanding.

Loss often touches everyone involved: the child separated from their family of origin, the birth parents experiencing the loss of parenting their child, and the adoptive parents who may have navigated infertility or other significant losses on their journey to parenthood. These experiences do not diminish the beauty of adoption—they are simply part of its complexity.

Adoption is not a single event; it is a lifelong experience that can shape identity, relationships, and belonging across the lifespan. Even individuals adopted as infants may later wonder about their birth story, biological family, medical history, or ask themselves, “What if?” Researchers have identified seven common themes that often arise in adoption experiences: loss, rejection, shame/guilt, grief, identity, intimacy, and control (Kaplan Roszia & Maxon, 2019). These themes can be present in infant, foster, kinship, guardianship, open, and closed adoptions alike.

Adoption-related trauma is often invisible. It may present as anxiety, difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, perfectionism, emotional dysregulation, low self-worth, withdrawal, anger, or an increased need for control. A trauma-informed approach encourages us to ask, “What happened to this person and how did they learn to adapt?” (Purvis et al., 2007)

Children may communicate through behavior, play, or difficulty managing emotions. As they grow, they may ask where they came from, become especially sensitive to separation, or struggle with feelings they cannot yet explain. Others may not begin exploring these questions and emotions until adolescence or adulthood. Every adoption journey is unique, and there is no “right” way for adoption-related grief, curiosity, or identity questions to emerge.

Healing does not require minimizing loss or choosing between gratitude and grief. Many adoptees deeply love their adoptive families while simultaneously mourning connections to their family of origin. These realities can coexist.

For those considering adoption, understanding these experiences is not meant to discourage you—it is meant to prepare you. Loving relationships cannot erase loss, but they can provide safety, connection, and an environment where healing can flourish. When families make space for a child’s whole story, they strengthen trust and resilience.

Healing often begins with open conversations, trauma-informed support, connection with others who share similar experiences, and self-compassion. By making space for the whole story—not just the happy ending—we create opportunities for deeper understanding, healthier relationships, and lasting healing.

For Support
• Nebraska Children’s Home Society/Families Forever: pre- and post-adoption support, options counseling, support groups, educational events, and parenting classes. https://nchs.org/
Recommended Reading
• The Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency by Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon
• The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine
• Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

Works Cited
Kaplan Roszia, S., & Maxon, A. D. (2019). Seven core issues in adoption and permanency (2nd ed.). London, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, UK & Philadelphia, PA.

Purvis, K. B., Cross, D. R., & Sunshine, W. L. (2007). The connected child. McGraw-Hill, New York, NY.

Eldridge, S. (2019). Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew (Rev. ed.). Delta, New York, NY.

Tags: Adoption-related trauma, Recognizing the adoption experience