Wholeness Healing Center

Couples – Beware the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

Did you know there are certain kinds of negative interactions with your partner that can be especially concerning and harmful for your relationship? Renown psychologist and relationship researcher, John Gottman, has studied couples for decades and has identified consistent patterns of behavior that can result in successful long-term relationships as well as those that may predict relationship failure if corrective action is not taken. In Gottman’s bestselling book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he identifies four types of negative behaviors, called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which can be lethal to a relationship if not caught and corrected. Here’s what they might look like:

• Criticism: It is appropriate to express a complaint to your partner in a healthy way, such as “I’m frustrated you didn’t start the dishwasher last night like you said you would.” Criticism, however, escalates the situation and levels an attack on your partner by expressing negativity about their character or personality and when using expansive language like “you always” or “you never.” An example of a critical statement about the same issue is, “You didn’t start the dishwasher again last night. You never follow through on what you say you will do. Why are you so uncaring and selfish?!”

Try this instead – Express your complaint without escalating by stating 1) how you feel (“I’m mad”), 2) about a specific situation (“You didn’t start the dishwasher last night.”), and 3) what you want/need/prefer (“Could you find a way to help yourself remember next time?”).
• Contempt: This comes up when you express disrespect towards and superiority over your partner. Gottman describes that “contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust” (Gottman p. 34). Contempt is present when a partner responds cynically or with sarcasm, and it can also include eye-rolling, mocking, name-calling, or hostile humor. These types of responses push partners apart and make it nearly impossible to resolve conflict or reconcile.

• Defensiveness: The natural response to being treated contemptuously is to want to defend oneself. Though the impulse behind defensiveness is understandable, research has shown that defensiveness rarely accomplishes what you might hope (i.e. the other partner backs down, apologizes). When you are defensive, you are indirectly blaming your partner and not taking responsibility for your part in the conflict. Thus, defensiveness only promotes further escalation of conflict and more relational distance.

• Stonewalling: The final horseman typically shows up later in a relationship and after struggling with conflict for a while. Stonewalling is a way partners disengage from the relationship and avoid conflict (which consequently means they are avoiding having a healthy and reconciled relationship). A partner who stonewalls has essentially “checked out” of the conversation, and this may be evident by them directing their attention away or not offering any sort of response or acknowledgement when their partner is talking, just as if they were an actual stone wall. “The stonewaller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying” (Gottman p. 39). This response closes off the opportunity to repair the relationship and further isolates partners from each other.

Do any of these sound familiar? Even if some of the Four Horsemen are present in your relationship, there is good news. By recognizing any of these tendencies, couples can intentionally commit to turning things around and learning new and better ways to interact!

If you need some help with your relationship, I am currently accepting couples as clients for my internship experience! As an intern, we offer pro bono services. Call 308.382.5297 for more information and to begin the process of scheduling therapy services with Emily.

Works Cited
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.