Wholeness Healing Center

Parental Reinforcement for Meaningful Ownership

As a follow up to the Fail or Bail article earlier, about consequential parenting, I would like to offer another observation about a quick and easy way for parents to effect a greater responsibility for our children without creating false pride.

Kids are very aware, at an early age, of what is right and what is wrong. We as parents (educators, mentors, etc.) have been through a gamut of suggestions about how to empower our children as they move through their own levels of acceptance and maturity. One suggestion, pushed by many child experts, has been to offer up praise, to aid in the development of self-esteem. While that is all well and good, and even necessary, I do believe that there are some caveats to how that is done, based on my experience and observation.

When we offer blanket praise (“You did a great job today”) we as adults can be seen as liars. Our children know if they did something that wasn’t right, acceptable, or appropriate, and when we offer the blanket praise, they doubt the sincerity, or they doubt our intelligence. Often the adult isn’t aware of that negative behavior, but the child usually always is aware. In order to still guide their empowerment, yet remain in our integrity, I would suggest using more specific praise. Find something very definite that your child has done successfully and focus the praise on that. Some examples might be, “That was a kind thing you did by carrying your brother’s backpack today after school. I noticed you helped rinse the dishes after supper tonight. Thanks for your help carrying in the groceries this afternoon.” All of these are specific, focusing on a certain action/behavior at a certain time, which actually accomplishes two things. First it emphasizes to the child that you saw, recognized, and appreciated what behavior happened. Second, by affirming a behavior rather that criticizing what wasn’t done, the child will be more inclined to work toward a positive.

Most children do not misbehave as a deliberate intention, but all do have some motivation, known or unknown to them and to the parent, for their behaviors. As the parents, we have to be aware of what the child’s intention is and modulate our response to elicit the best behavior possible. Often that will come through the offering of specific praise vs. blank praise, which the child rarely will trust. As the child begins to trust the words of the parent, internalizing the specific praise, he/she will be better able to step into claiming their self-worth, which is a huge way we as parents/adults can be integral in aiding in the empowerment of our little people.