Wholeness Healing Center

The LET THEM Theory

I have for several years listened to the pod casts of Mel Robbins, thanks to the recommendation of a client. So when the Let Them theory started getting rave reviews, I was also recommending it to clients and friends. I waited patiently for the book and quickly acquired it and began reading. I would like to share some take-aways from the book.

Robbins and her daughter wrote the book together, and it features many of the stories, lessons, and vignettes of her daily pod casts. Plus more. Robbins guides the reader through understanding and applying the Let Them theory, with a great deal about managing other people’s opinions, thoughts, and judgments. She also emphasizes the 2nd half of the equation, the Let Me part, which is so crucial. Robbins begins by explaining the 5 second rule, 5-4-3-2-1 process, which helps one to move intoaction, to move out of being stuck. She moves from there into how and why we get stuck and how that can be changed to a more productive action. “When you stop obsessing over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and start living.” (Robbins, p. 16) She offers examples of how it works to let others do them, while you move into doing you.

As Robbins writes of the allowance of others to be themselves, she also writes of the second part of the equation. “The Let Them Theory isn’t just . . . Let Them. Yes it begins with these two words, but that’s not the whole story. Let Them is just the first half of the equation. There is a second, even more crucial step to this theory: Let Me.” (Robbins, p. 31) She then goes on to address control, why some things work and others do not, and the impact each one of us can have.

As Robbins continues the book, into unpacking Let Them and Let Me, she discusses Radical Acceptance and how Detachment Theory allows us to not own the emotion of the moment, but instead to observe. “When you say Let Them, you’re practicing emotional detachment. You create a mental gap between your emotions and the situation at hand, allowing yourself to observe what’s happening without being consumed by it. The result? You remain calm, clearheaded, and in control of your actions.” (Robbins, p. 39) When you are able to do that, it is much easier then to see how Let Me becomes an option.

The book features chapters on comparisons, stress, difficult people, making better decisions, and then moves into the 2nd part of the book, which is about relationships. This section discusses adult friendships, how to let go of those expectations, change and the motivation behind change, and rescuing vs. empowering. One of the hardest parts that Robbins writes about it to “Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you”. (Robbins, p. 85) Robbins then writes, “Stop giving your power to other people and step into your potential”. She later writes of the self-pride that empowerment can generate. “And that right there is the secret. When YOU are proud of yourself, you hold all the power”. (Robbins, p. 90) Not a new concept by any means, but just the use of Let Them can help the practice become so much more comfortable.

As Robbins writes about adult relationships, she discusses the Three Pillars of Friendship and how, as these change, so do our expectations, which then can change the dynamics of the relationships. As she discusses letting go of relationships, she also moves into inviting new relationships into your life and how best to do that in a comfortable manner. Through it all, she encourages the use of the Let Them theory not to get locked into others’ changing, or even encouraging or rescuing them when they struggle, but to work toward inspiration instead. She writes of the ABC Loop (Robbins, p. 210) and how that can aid in the strengthening of the relationship process.

Robbins devotes words to responsibility, accountability, and how that looks for each person. “The first step to changing your life is taking responsibility for the fact that your life isn’t working. That’s why you need to let the people you love face reality, not help them run from it.” (Robbins, p. 241) When we let others be responsible for themselves, we are allowing ourselves to own our empowerment, while making that option available to them, or at least not hindering it.

Robbins writes clearly, simply, and honestly. No fancy trappings, no gilded promises. Just the bare truth. “You don’t need anyone else’s permission to be happy . . . whether it’s love, acceptance, or approval. But the truth is, everything you’re looking for starts with you. The Let Them Theory is more than just a tool for navigating relationships with others; it’s a guide for how to treat yourself with the love, respect, and kindness you deserve. Let them be who they are. But more importantly, let yourself be who you truly are.” (Robbins, p. 280-290) “When you say Let Them, you accept people as they are, and you accept their behavior as the truth. When you say Let Me, you choose how love shows up in your life. (Robbins, p. 291) This really seems to be the mantra that one can grab onto, practice, and embrace moving forward. Get the book and get your highlighter out. Listen to the podcasts. Prepare to “own” a different kind of action forward, as you become empowered to Let Them and to invite the other lesson, Let Me into your life.

Work Cited
Robbins, Mel.(2024) The let them theory. Hay House, LLC. Carlsbad,CA.

Tags: book review on the LET THEM theory, The LET THEM theory